by Reverend Blue Jeans
I have just suffered the greatest loss of my life. I feel so isolated. So unloved. So "different." And so alone. Even God must be out to get me—nothing could be worse than to feel the way I feel. I wish I was dead.
You know what really doesn’t seem to help me at all? People who tell me they are praying for me, or "We’ll keep you in our prayers," or "Our prayer chain will remember you." How is that supposed to make me feel? What do they know about my relationship with God at this time in my life? Who are they really praying for, me or for themselves?
I want to tell them, "Hey, I’m not in the mood for your prayers. Do you realize what God has just done to me? My life has virtually ended. My reason for living and laughing is gone. Will your prayers bring my joy back to me? If your God really listens to and answers prayers—why did this happen to me in the first place? You can pray all you want, but when you’re done praying—I’ll still be hurting. I’ll still be alone and I’ll still be mad at God."
I can’t even be mad at God in public because many of the "religious" people won’t let me. They tell me, "It’s God’s will," and "Time will heal all wounds," or "Just ask God for peace of mind," and "You must have faith—God never gives us more than we can handle."
Well, I can’t handle this. I don’t want to handle this. I want my life to be the way it was before this terrible thing happened to me. I have prayed. I have gone to church. I have been good to others. What does God want from me, more prayers?
What I really need now (and no one is asking me what I need, but instead telling me what they think I need) is someone to hold me, listen to me and accept me as I am and where I am. I am all alone! I feel unlovable! Just look, even God isn’t good to me now. There must be someone who can love me enough to take my hand and cry with me. I need the touch of another human being.
And I need to talk—to tell you how I feel and explain what is on my mind. I’ll explode with these "feelings" if I can’t share them soon. I need to share them in a safe place, with people who will not judge or condemn me for having these feelings. I do not need judgment and condemnation—I do enough of that myself. Will someone please listen to me tell my story? God doesn’t seem to be listening to me today, will you?
Will you meet me where I am? Can you come down to my level, that being as near to hell as I have ever felt in my entire life, and just walk with me? Don’t lead me or push me, don’t follow me, but walk by my side. Catch me if I stumble and pick me up when I fall. I want to get better—but I have no idea now if I will or how I’ll ever accomplish that task.
Finally, please forgive me. There is a small part of me that does say I will get through this. I do want to pray again and to believe again that God loves me. Right now I need physical proof of that love—and it will have to come from you. Pray if you must and please realize, that for me—now—prayer doesn’t seem to help. I need love. I need you. Will you help me?