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Thirty days following loss
By Rev Bluejeans
This is written for those who have suffered a loss. It is intended as a "guide" for the way. There is no "one way" to healing. Each must find what works best for them. We hope you find some helpful information as you continue your journey through the valley…..Your loved one has died. The world does not seem "real". You feel like you cannot go on. Life seems meaningless.Your life has been irrevocably changed. It will never be the same. That does not mean you will never again feel alive. You are on a journey-your journey "through the valley of the shadow of death." There is no way around it. You must go "through", but you need not travel alone.
At this time, so near to the actual event, confusion is your traveling companion. So much has transpired so quickly. It is overwhelming and inconceivable. We spend months planning for a wedding in the family. A funeral is of the same magnitude and is completed in as little as 3 days. Not only has so much happened so quickly, unlike the wedding, this is not a time of joy.
Only a few short days ago you were surrounded by so many friends and family members. People were everywhere. Now you find yourself alone. Alone in your thoughts and alone in your home. The quietness is deafening. Your surroundings seem "unreal". You find yourself needing to settle issues from the life you lived while preparing also for the life that is now waiting for you. A life you did not plan to live. Where does one begin?First of all, begin with self-care. Caring for yourself is not a selfish act, but instead a most necessary one. You have endured one of life's toughtest trials and you will require much time to heal. The Jews have a wonderful custom called Shiva, where those closest to the deceased "withdraw" from normal day to day activities and take time to grieve. In much of our society today, 3 days is often the limit. This is not realistic. You will need strength and support for the journey and it will be up to you to care for your physical well- being.
Next, you must allow yourself time to "feel" what this experience has meant to you. Time does not heal all wounds. Grief work is the hardest work you will ever do and you must do it. Again, you will need much strength and support. The thank you cards must be mailed, the dishes returned and a myriad of tasks you could not have imagined must be accomplished. Go slow. Be kind to yourself. Above all, ask for whatever help you need. This is not the time to "go it alone." World renowned grief expert Dr. Earl A. Grollman has wisely said, "You alone will make it, but you will never make it alone."
Finally, in the first month following loss--allow others to support and minister to your needs. Perhaps you are the one who is always "doing" for others. You are always in complete control. Not now. This is the time for you to let others care for you. Allow those friends and family members with whom you feel safe, to be your lifeline. Let them know how you feel and tell them what it is you need from them.
In the weeks and months ahead there will be many things you can do to help yourself heal. For now, feel. You will be able to think more clearly in due time. Take care of yourself, walk through the pain and accept all the love and support offered to you.